Don't Tell Me You Love Me When I Hate You This Much, IDIOT!
by Starcrossedlover12
Summary: Kagura is being stalked and for the next three days, with Gin and Shinpachi leaving, she'll have no one to protect her. Not that Kagura thinks she needs protecting. Especially when the guy that gets tasked with being her bodyguard is none other than her hated rival- Sougo Okita. Among the chaos and bloodshed of the next three days, the definition of 'hate' might just change.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey ma honeys!**

**This fic occurs after my first one 'Love Becomes A Woman'. Even if they're not about the same couple, I want to warn you that in this one Kondo and Otae are engaged, so it's not blatant OCC-ness, it's just a spin-off…kinda.**

**I love Otae x Kondo, but like most I'm a bit more partial to Okita x Kagura XD**

**Enjoy!**

**xxx**

The whole damn issue began on the Tuesday morning that Gintoki and Shinpachi were set to leave for the mountains for a few days to do some training.

Kagura had declined to go with them.

Normally she'd get lonely, but recently the two boys had been grating on her nerves.

_I'm a refined woman,_ Kagura thought, walking up the stairs to the Yorozuya, picking her nose. _I need a break from being around such disgusting, untidy men._

It was a mere second later that Kagura flung herself out of the way to avoid a knife.

Her Yato reflexes kicked in and she dodged landing on top of the edge of the roof. The knife landed right on the spot she'd been standing in.

"Kagura!" Shinpachi, who had seen the event from below the stairs, raced up towards her. "Are you okay?"

"What's all the racket about?" Gin appeared at the door.

"Oh, it's okay," Kagura told them. "Someone just tried to kill me is all."

"Oh right," Gin muttered, yawning. "So it's all good."

"_No it isn't_!" Shinpachi snapped, pointing to the knife. "Look! It's got a note on it!"

Kagura dropped down beside the knife and un-taped the note.

WATCHED YOU WHILE YOU WERE SHOPPING. YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL. CAN'T WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE MINE.

Kagura got chills just reading it.

It was another one.

In the past week she'd found similar notes left lying around her room, pinned to her wall.

When she reiterated these facts to Gin and Shinpachi, they were pretty beside themselves.

"You know," Gin groaned. "You should be more aware of these things."

"But I don't get it!" Kagura protested. "Why is this happening?"

"You have a stalker." Gin told her.

"Exactly." Shinpachi nodded.

"It's someone that follows you around like a crazy person until you agree to go on a date with them." Said Gin.

"Exactly." Shinpachi said.

"Like Kondo and Otae."

"Exactly."

"And Shinpachi and Otsu."

"Exact- HEY! Gin-san! That's _different_!"

Gin sat back and thought. "Well, we can't really postpone our super-intense and awesomesauce training seeing as we need it for the next arc. We're going to have to find you some sort of protection."

"I don't need protection!" Kagura snapped.

"This is serious," Gin told her firmly. "Stalkers can get really dangerous for girls- even if they're Yato. What if he turns out to be a psycho like Shinpachi?"

"HEY!"

Kagura paused. "…Maybe I should get protection."

"**HEY**! YOU GUYS! I'M NOT A STALKER! ARE YOU LISTEN-?!"

xxx

At Shinsengumi HQ, Gin and Shinpachi brought their request forth.

"I know we haven't always seen eye-to-eye," Gin said.

"Make that 'never'." Hijikata muttered.

"But our kid's in trouble right now." He pointed at Kagura. "She needs one of your people to protect her from this stalker she has."

"A stalker, huh?" Kondo shook his head. "What a terrible business."

It took a lot of willpower for even Hijikata not to give the Commander an ironic sideways glance.

"Unfortunately," Kondo sighed. "We can't really spare one of our best men just to protect her…"

"Darling," Otae, who liked to be present at Shinsengumi meetings, wrapped an arm around his. "Aren't you at all concerned for Kagura-chan's safety?"

Kondo looked startled, going red- which was a natural reaction after being touched by his fiancée. "O-of course, Otae-san, b-but-!"

"And you won't even spare one of your best men to protect one of my friends?"

Hijikata sighed inwardly.

He knew what was coming next.

"Get Sougo!" Kondo bellowed, still beet-red. "He can protect her! No one draws a sword better than Sougo!"

"Good choice!" Otae smiled placidly, patting his arm. She winked at Kagura.

Kagura, meanwhile, was horrified. For once, she wished Anego hadn't spoken.

Anyone but the idiot sadist.

"There!" Kondo said, still trying desperately to make Otae smile at him again. "What do you think of that, Gintoki? I'll hire out Sougo for you! The best samurai in the Shinsengumi!"

"Er?" Hijikata said. "Hello?"

"No one will dare touch her!"

"Who said my name?" Sougo opened the sliding doors, music buzzing out of one loose ear piece, the other attached, red sleeping mask on his forehead. "You lot are making so much noise. I was working."

"You were sleeping, idiot!" Hijikata hissed, still irritated at being called second-rate next to him. "You were _obviously_ sleeping!"

Sougo scanned the room. "Ah, _danna_," He nodded at Gin, then his eyes fell on Kagura. "China." He said. "Long time no see. Still ugly I see. Still as ugly as ever. No surprise, really. No surprise that you're ugly-"

Everyone had to leap for cover as Kagura unsheathed her umbrella and let loose a barrage of attacks that even Sougo barely managed to avoid.

"My, my." Otae smiled, dusting herself down.

"This was a really bad idea." Shinpachi muttered.

"I guess." Gin sighed. "But what could we do?"

"You're getting slow, China." Sougo smirked, straightening through the swirling dust and debris. "I could've dodged that in my sleep."

"Well why don't you get over here and I'll show you what it's like to sleep forever, _baka S_!"

"I'm less worried about the stalker," Shinpachi said. "More worried about the damage to the various places they'll fight in."

"I hope you're satisfied that this was all your idea." Hijikata turned to Otae.

"Sougo," Kondo picked himself up. "Your orders are to protect Kagura-san starting from today- for the three days my brother-in-law and Gintoki go off to train."

Sougo narrowed his eyes for a second and Kagura's hopes soared.

_He's going to flat-out refuse._ She thought. _And I'll be free!_

"Okay." Sougo said and Kagura almost killed him. "Understood." He fixed Kagura with one of his trademark emotionless looks. "So I control your life for the next three days? Fine. I need a new servant."

"_You_ control _me_?" Kagura sputtered. "Idiot! Do you know what protecting is? This means you're _my_ servant for three days! My little dog! Get used to it, sadist face!"

"In your dreams, China, I'll break you."

"I'd like to see you try, Okita-chan, I'll stick an umbrella down your throat."

"Is someone gonna stop them?" Shinpachi whispered.

"Aren't they the technically two of the strongest characters in the show?" Gin countered.

"I ship them so much." Otae said.

"What?" Kondo looked at her.

"Nothing!" She sang.

xxx

"We're going now!" Gin waved at Kagura. "Be good!"

"Don't leave me!" Kagura whined.

"You'll be in good hands…" Shinpachi trailed off and fell silent. "Well, actually, never mind."

As they left, Kagura started sulking by herself on the front steps of Shinsengumi HQ.

"Stupid Gin-chan…hate them so much…gonna beat them up so bad one day….stupid…stupid…"

"Kagura-chan?" Otae smiled. "What are you doing there?"

"Hating life." Kagura replied.

"What's there to hate?"

"Sougo Okita the Idiot King of the Sadists." Kagura reminded her. "Why does he have to get me so mad all the time?!"

Otae gave Kagura her knowing smile. "Kagura-chan, do you know? When some guys- especially spoilt, belligerent, difficult sorts of guys- fall in love, they can never show it properly?"

"Um." Kagura said.

"Like Vegeta with Bulma," Otae said. "Inuyasha with Kagome, Ikuto with Amu, Ed and Winry, Natsu and Lucy to an extent, Kyo to Tohru, Sasuke to-"

"Can we stop with the anime references?" Kagura asked. "This isn't a crossover."

"What I mean is: have you heard of that little boy in the playground that keeps pulling the pigtails of the girl he likes?"

"Uh," Kagura said. "No? Who is he?"

Otae sighed. "Maybe I need to let you learn on your own. But you can be sure of one thing: Sougo-kun will keep you safe. I have no doubt of that."

As she walked off, Kagura lapsed back into sulking.

She hadn't understood that talk at all and she was pretty sure that the main thing she had to fear in this world was, in fact, Sougo Okita.

_To Be Continued…_


	2. Chapter 2

Kagura poked her head out of the bathroom, yanking the toothbrush out of her mouth.

"Hey, Sadist Face!" She addressed Sougo who was currently lounging on his futon with his sleeping mask on. "You had better not try anything funny with my young and delicate virginal body tonight!"

"Who'd wanna touch you, China?" Sougo lifted his mask up an inch. "Get some breasts first."

He was promptly dislodged from his position as Kagura threw a bar of soap at him and slammed the door behind her.

Anego had set it up so Kagura and Sougo shared the same room at Shinsengumi HQ in case the stalker attacked.

Kagura had been against this idea from the start.

"I can't sleep in the same room as that _baka S_! Who knows what he'll pull?!"

Sougo- who was about seven inches away at the time- wore his same deadpan expression and offered no comment.

"I mean, just think about it!" Kagura waved her hand at him. "He's obviously in love with me!"

"I'm not in love with you."

"He's so in love with me he can't even control himself around me!" Kagura crossed her arms and sighed, flicking her hair back. "I'm telling you, it's difficult to be this desirable. It attracts the wrong sort of men."

"Ha, look at her," Sougo remarked to the air. "She's crazy about me and she can't even admit it."

"Oh, look now he's delusional."

"Now she's in denial."

Kagura grabbed the front of his jacket. "Who asked YOUR ugly face anyway, _baka S_?!"

"Why don't you bring it, China?"

"I'll rip you in two!"

"I'll rip you in four."

"I'll-!"

"Perfect!" Otae clapped her hands. "This is all working out so well!" She pushed them into Sougo's room. "Be good!"

"But Anego-!" Kagura cried.

"Here." Otae handed her a small packet.

"Um. What's this?"

"It's a condom. Remember, Kagura-chan: No glove, no love!"

Kagura was left gawping at the door as Otae quickly slammed it closed and walked away.

Sougo peered over her shoulder. "Hey, can I have that? I'm running low."

"Oh, shut UP, Sadist Face!"

xxx

Kagura tip-toed out of the bathroom in her pink flannel PJs and glared suspiciously over at Sougo.

He was listening to music with his sleeping mask on, both feet propped on a dresser, still fully dressed in Shinsengumi uniform.

Kagura kicked him with her foot. "Oi."

He lifted his mask. "What do you want?"

"Why are you still fully dressed?"

"I'm not gonna strip for you, China. Even if you beg."

"I'd obviously NEVER ask that anyway, Sadist Face! It's just weird that you have your uniform on this time of night! You some kind of workaholic? That's sick, you know. No woman is ever gonna want a man who's married to his job. You're gonna have a wife and a teen daughter who hates you and you're gonna die alone. THAT'S what's gonna happen!"

"At least I'll get laid first." Sougo replied. "What about you, China? What guy's gonna want some ugly girl with the body of a prepubescent boy?"

Kagura kicked his shoulder so hard he slammed back into the ground. "Screw you, _baka S_!"

"Not in two million years, ugly. And I'm uniform because I have a night shift now." Sougo stood up.

"Oh." The sound of branches scratching against the doors and the wind howling made Kagura's toes curl. She was used to sleeping with Gin-chan and Shinpachi right next door. "Y-you're supposed to be protecting me though."

"What's up, China?" Sougo nonchalantly straightened his jacket. "Scared?"

"As if, _baka_." Kagura looked away.

"Whatever then. One of the captains is ill, so I have to fill in. I'll only be an hour or so. Kondo-san and Yamazaki are in the other rooms. So if there's trouble Kondo-san will help you and Yamazaki will help you scream."

"Psh. Whatever."

Sougo glanced over his shoulder at the doorway. "Don't cry for me or anything."

"As if!"

"I can't help it if you're madly in love with me- just try to keep yourself under control."

"Oh, go to hell!"

"Yeah, see you there."

Before Kagura could draw her next breath, Sougo slammed the door shut. Both of them loved having the last word.

"UGH! THAT IDIOT!" Kagura flung herself down on her bed.

Maybe anger could keep her from being scared?

She wasn't normally so jumpy, but with everything that had been happening recently she felt a little more vulnerable than usual.

Kagura turned off the light, lay on her futon, squeezed her eyes shut and tried to sleep.

Usually she held an extra blanket close for comfort on nights like this, but there was no spare here.

Rooting around in the dark, her hand touched on something fabric and he put it up to her face.

It smelled so comforting that she crawled into bed with it immediately, holding it close.

If that idiot laughed at her, she could always make some excuse.

It was strange- how warm she suddenly felt, holding that unknown object to her.

xxx

"Oi, Captain?" One of the first division frowned. "Aren't you supposed to be looking after that alien girl Gintoki-san brought over?"

"Nope." Sougo opened a can of green tea.

"Yeah, you know- that red head."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"That one that Otae Nee-san thinks you should marry."

"No, she doesn't."

"A lot of people do." Another guy chimed in. "You should type Sougo x Kagura onto Google sometime."

"Seriously," Sougo muttered over his can. "Why do I get paired with the violent freak? Why does everyone assume that I'd have a lot in common with a violent freak? By the way, has anyone seen my hack saw? I need it to murder Hijikata and if I find you've taken it I'll rip your throat out."

Sougo's phone buzzed in his pocket and he flipped it open. "Yo."

"Sougo," Hijikata snapped. "It's Hijikata."

"E-e-h?" Sougo frowned. "So I guess that sniper I hired was useless."

"I'm gonna ignore that." Hijikata muttered. "But I heard that you've moved away from HQ."

"Yeah, I'm covering night duty. Problem?"

"It is if you've left that Kagura girl alone to fend for herself."

"It's fine, I put up security cameras, infrared lasers and left guard dogs trained to attack any suspicious people that pass."

"Really?"

"No."

"Listen, Sougo! I'm being serious. I'm out on call and I've just heard reports of a sighting of someone lurking around the HQ grounds. It could well be Kagura's stalker."

Sougo frowned. "Kondo-san and the others are still there."

"No, they were sent out at the last minute. Hardly anyone's there right now."

There was a pause.

Sougo put the phone to his chest and turned to the guy driving the car. "Sorry, gotta go. The girl who's so head-over-heels for me it's embarrassing is in trouble."

"Oh, okay, Captain, I'll stop the-HEY!"

Not one to wait for anything, Sougo jumped out into the road, leaving the door flapping and the Shinsengumi car careening dangerously away.

"So you'll see to it?" Hijikata asked.

"I'm bored, so probably."

"Yeah sure. Bye, Sougo."

"Die, Hijikata." Sougo hung up.

xxx

Hijikata put the phone down and turned to Otae wearily. "That enough?" He sighed.

Otae clapped her hands. "Very convincing!"

Hijikata shook his head. "I still don't think it's a good idea to do this. Imagine if it worked. Imagine the destruction, trauma, chaos and the terrifying children."

Otae beamed at him. "I'm planning a June wedding."

xxx

Sougo knew he had been had almost immediately.

Upon touching HQ soil, his keen senses swept the area, alert for any sigh of an intruder.

Nothing.

Sougo checked the area outside the room.

No one.

He checked the bedrooms.

Kondo, plus a dozen other officers, had not- in fact- been called out.

Sougo was irritated that he had run for nothing, but it now meant he had an excuse to make another attempt on Hijikata's life and that certainly put a spring in his step.

_Why_ did_ I run in the first place though?_

That thought made Sougo pause outside his room.

_Great,_ He thought. _He next thing I know, this'll be a shojou manga and every time I do something I'll be surrounded in sparkles and roses as I am obviously the main love interest._

Sougo slowly opened the door to his room and flicked on the lights.

Kagura was sleeping peacefully.

Of course. She wasn't the type to be scared.

Even if Sougo had detected a slight alarm…

It hardly mattered.

Sougo made his way towards his futon, slinging off his jacket, thinking that he might as well turn in, when he noticed something.

His pillow was missing.

He turned and what he saw made him stop dead.

Kagura was curled up, pressing his pillow into her face and breathing deeply.

Something inside Sougo did a flip.

He crouched beside Kagura.

Sure, of course, he still hated her, but he was a guy, wasn't he?

It was normal to feel like this when a girl was sleeping in your room.

Sougo curled his fingers around Kagura's wrist.

"As I thought," He murmured. "You're completely in love with me. How annoying."

xxx

Kagura opened her eyes to see another pair of red-brown ones looming over her.

Sougo was straddling her, his hand on her wrist.

"You-!" She gaped.

"Yo." The sexual harasser replied.

And Kagura responded how she knew best.

xxx

"Hey, Sougo," Hijikata said the next morning. "How'd you get that hand print-shaped bruise on your face?"

"Die, Hijikata." Sougo replied.

x-x-x

**Author's Note**

Hey, people, so I'm not really updating as much as I should, but I'll get right onto that one. I'm studying Japanese full time now- you kinda lose a love for a language when you're forced to memorize every damn kanji on the face of the universe.

But hey, it means I can watch anime without subs ^u^

Anyway, so I haven't watched Gintama since January so, if the characters were a bit OOC-ish, that's what that was. I think I nailed it, but please review me and reassure me about my incredible talent, my brilliance, my god-like aura in general etc etc…

I don't know why I chose Otae to be the matchmaker actually. She seems like she'd be the one to hook them up, don't you think? XD

Anyway, please stay tuned for further (much better) updates.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note****: Hey, everyone! Just so you know I got/stole the general idea for this story from re-watching Gintama Episode 166. If you remember it then ya know what I'm sayin'. *wink***

**Enjoy!**

**xxx**

Hijikata peered dubiously around the corner.

Sougo and Kagura were sitting there, at opposite ends of the room, engaged in what appeared to be the world's most stubborn silent contest.

"This really isn't going to work," He hissed to Otae. "They obviously hate each other!"

Otae smiled. "Hijikata-kun, it seems you still know so little about a lover's heart."

"Oi." Hijikata muttered.

"Sougo-kun and Kagura-chan are the kind of people where, if they truly hate someone, then they ignore and look down on them. Yet both of them compete and fight all the time for the upper hand. Have you ever seen Sougo show so many emotions to anyone else?"

"Well," Hijikata reminded her. "He's always trying to kill me."

"Forget it, Hijikata. This isn't a yaoi fanfiction."

"_That's not what I'm saying!_"

"Just stick to the plan," Otae patted his shoulder. "You'll be fine."

xxx

Yamazaki strode into the room and eyed Sougo and Kagura. "Hey, you guys haven't spoken all morning. Are you okay?"

"Yamazaki," Kagura said. "Tell the Sadist that I don't talk to potential sex offenders."

"Oi, Yamazaki," Sougo said. "Tell China that the only offensive thing around here is her ugly face."

"Yamazaki!" Kagura snapped. "Tell the Sadist that he's going to die alone."

"Yamazaki, tell China that no man wants a woman with unresolved brother issues."

"Tell the Sadist that he's one to talk about sibling complexes. He's Mr Sister Complex himself."

"Tell China to leave my sister out of this."

"Tell the Sadist that older sister complexes are Shinpachi's thing and if your character overlaps with Shinpachi then you know you're sick."

"Tell China that the only thing original about her character was the Yato thing and now she doesn't even have that anymore 'cos there are a whole bunch of them."

"Yamazaki, count the number of Shinsengumi in this series for the Sadist's benefit."

"Um," Yamazaki said wearily. "Aren't you two pretty much talking to each other already?"

Hijikata slunk into the room. "H-hey, everyone."

"What's up, Mayora?" Kagura said.

"Die, Mayora." Sougo said.

"S-say," Hijikata glanced at Otae ushering him on from the shadows. "I've got two tickets to the zoo, how about you take Kagura along, Sougo?"

"That's a good idea, Hijikata-san," Sougo said. "We can release her with her kind."

He managed to duck the punch, but the wall didn't survive.

"Yamazaki, tell Sadist Face to find an older sister to go to the zoo with."

"Tell China to go read some Gintoki x Kagura fanfiction."

"Tell Sadist that if he thinks that's bad he should go read some Hijikata x Sougo fanfiction. They call it MayoSadist shipping!"

"They call you and Kamui 'Issues shipping'!"

"Wanna know what they call you and Katsura-?"

"_Most of the fanfiction is about you two anyway, idiots!_" Hijikata snapped. "_Just get out!_"

xxx

"Well," A flower seller beamed at the two teenagers. "Aren't you an adorable couple?"

"Go eat shit." Sougo and Kagura replied before walking on.

"Like I was saying, I've had way more character development than you," Kagura said. "At the beginning I was a violent gangster, now I'm a cute and fluffy girly-girl."

"Which part of you is cute and fluffy exactly?" Sougo enquired. "It can't be your breasts because they don't exist."

"Would you just shut up about that?!"

"Oh, did I hit a sensitive spot?"

"Want me to hit _your_ sensitive spot?!"

"Leader!"

Before Kagura looked round, she knew who it was.

The tall, long-haired samurai stood before her, his hands in the sleeves of his kimono.

"Oh," She said. "It's you, Zura."

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura." Katsura said in a thrilling turn of events. "But Leader, why are you walking with some strange boy? Young women should not be so daring in full daylight. Is that not so, Elizabeth?"

'_I don't really care'._ Elizabeth's sign read.

"Elizabeth agrees." Katsura nodded.

"I think he's just given up actually." Kagura commented.

"Yo," Sougo whipped out his bazooka. "You've got some nerve appearing like this, Katsura. You're lucky I'm with this cosplayer, I'm gonna have to go easy on you."

"Don't start calling me a cosplayer, Sadist!"

"You're not even really Chinese, right?"

"My culture is Chinese! You dissin' my outfit? Wanna start an international incident, _baka_?!"

"Mmm," Katsura nodded sagely. "The paths towards our true feelings are riddled with sharp rocks."

"_What the fuck's that supposed to mean?!_" Sougo and Kagura spat.

"I take my leave!" Katsura raced off.

"Oi, wait!" Sougo made to go after him, reaching for the handcuffs at his belt.

"We're not done, _baka S_!" Kagura yanked him back.

"Let go of my arm, damn bitch!"

_Click!_

They both looked at each other dispassionately for a few seconds before looking down.

The handcuffs were fastened securely.

One on Kagura's wrist, the other on Sougo's.

"Fuck." They both said.

xxx

Yamazaki ran into Shinsengumi HQ, flinging open the door to Sougo's room and finding them arguing.

"I can't sleep if you don't lie down too, China."

"I know your game, Sadist Face. When we both die from sleep deprivation I'll see you in Hell."

"See yourself to Hell, China, I'll cut you up."

"I heard about what happened." Yamazaki stepped in before violence could ensue. "I'm here to take you two to the locksmith. But Captain, don't you have the key?"

"Why would I need the key?" Sougo enquired. "I leave my victims to rot."

"Seriously, look 'karma' up in the dictionary, _baka_." Kagura muttered. "What's up with this Light and L situation? I don't have a Death Note, okay? Why the hell is this happening?"

Yamazaki led the two quarreling teenagers out into the street, towards the locksmith, only to be greeted by the large CLOSED sign on the glass door.

"Ugh!" Yamazaki shook his head. "Do we have any other options?"

"Yep," Kagura said. "We could cut off the Sadist's arm."

"Any _other_ options?"

"Yes-" Sougo began.

"It can't involve bloodshed." Yamazaki told him.

There was a pause.

"Why are you two suddenly silent?!" Yamazaki demanded.

"Hey look," Kagura pointed towards a huge promotional stand out in the road. "What's 'The Newly-Wed Game'?"

"It's where newly-wed couples go to have their dreams and expectations about each other crushed without mercy," Sougo told her. "I tape it when they play it on game-shows."

Yamazaki shrugged. "It's a game where couples answer questions about each other. Whoever answers the most correctly wins."

There seemed to be a long queue of loved-up couples waiting to participate. And not-so-loved-up couples who had participated and had just realized how little one knew about the other.

"Let's go," Yamazaki said. "We'll find a blacksmith or something and see if he can pry it off-"

The blaring mic of the 'Newly-Wed Game' presenter cut Yamazaki off. "In the collection of today's prizes there is: an exotic vacation, a new car and a master-key that can open any lock there is!"

Sougo and Kagura's gazes shot towards the stand.

"Isn't that a bit too convenient?" Yamazaki muttered.

"Even handcuffs accidentally clipped on two hated rivals!"

"_Hey! That IS way too convenient-!_"

"Yamazaki," Sougo said. "The more we walk around the more time I'll have to spend tied to China Girl."

"If we win this thing we go free, right?" Kagura was doing stretches.

"B-but…" Yamazaki saw a storm on the horizon. "There's a lot of couples already lined up…"

Sougo and Kagura looked at each other.

"Alright, everyone," Sougo swung his bazooka onto his shoulder. "Police! This is a hold-up!"

"HEY!" Yamazaki yelped.

Kagura's umbrella open-fired on the couples.

"YOU DIDN'T EVEN GIVE THEM A CHANCE!"

In a matter of seconds Sougo and Kagura were on the stage.

"E-er…" The presenter stammered. "S-some new participants have come forward."

"Yo." Sougo said.

"We're madly in love." Kagura said expressionlessly.

"Give us the key." Sougo added.

"W-well!" The presenter recovered quickly, for the sake of the camera taping the whole event. "Here we go, folks! That makes three pairs of couples up on the stage! Let the 'Newly-Wed Game' commence!"

"This can only end badly." Yamazaki muttered.

xxx

Back at Shinsengumi HQ, Hijikata poured some mayonnaise into his tea and sat back, sighing.

Sometimes it was idle days like this that he loved the most.

He rather cheerfully picked up the remote and switched on the TV.

"…_And for couple number three we have newly-weds Sougo Okita and Kagura, just married today_!"

And Hijikata spat his tea all over the screen.

x-x-x

**Author's Note****: I promise to hurry up for this one! Next update coming soon!**


	4. Chapter 4

"Welcome back, audience! We're here; live in Edo, playing the 'Newly-Wed Game' with some happy couples right off the street! Just a quick re-cap of our example question before we cut to commercial break: we asked our three couples: What attribute would you like your wife to eliminate from her personality?'"

The audience 'oohed'.

"Happy couple number one's husband, Hiroshi said: 'Her frowning face'. Happy couple number two's husband, Ken said: 'Her constant worrying'. And happy couple number three's husband, Sougo said…er…" The presenter glanced awkwardly at the card. "Um… 'Her existence'."

"And that stupid 'aru' thing she does." Sougo supplied.

"Can I still win if I kill him?" Kagura wanted to know.

"Uh…well, anyway!" The presenter cut on hastily as Yamazaki face-palmed in the background. "We're playing for real folks and now it's a question for the ladies. So listen up: Who was your husband dating before he met you?"

Hiroshi's wife simpered and they both held up a card that said: 'Mayuri'.

"Wonderful! A point for Hiroshi's team!"

Couple number two conflicted with two different girl's names.

"Aw, too bad, couple number two!"

Kagura held up her sign.

It read: _Hijikata_.

There was a short pause before a sword connected with Kagura's umbrella and they were off, almost bringing down the entire set with them.

Back at Shinsengumi HQ, everyone who had found the channel was dying by this point- rather literally as Hijikata killed them.

In Kondo's room Kondo was more than a little horrified, whilst Otae beamed happily.

"Well, guys," The presenter recovered. "We can expect a little liveliness from the couple so connected they they're actually _chained_ together!"

The audience laughed.

"That joke's really not funny the nineteenth time you tell it, Ossan." Kagura spat.

"As the scoreboard stands its: Couple One- 1, whilst the other two stand at zero!"

"This is bad!" Kagura hissed.

"We need that stupid key." Sougo muttered.

"We actually have to try to win. The problem is: you know nothing about me."

"You know less about me, China."

"I know more than you do!"

"You're obviously lying."

"You're the big liar!"

"Alright," Sougo eyed her with his hooded, red-brown gaze. "Then prove it."

"You too, Sadist."

To Yamazaki, the next few minutes went something like this:

"What colour are your wife's eyes?"

Kagura: Aquamarine.

Sougo: Blue.

"Complete this sentence: 'I wish my husband would stop…'"

Kagura: Being a sadist.

Sougo: Being so handsome.

"What traffic sign best describes your wife on a bad day?"

Kagura: 'STOP'.

Sougo: 'DANGER! DANGER! TURN BACK THE WAY YOU CAME!'

"If you had a boy, what would your husband want to call him?"

Kagura: Toshirou Hijikata.

Sougo: Anything but Toshirou Hijikata.

"Name three of your wife's ex-boyfriends."

Kagura: N/A.

Sougo: Katsura, Shinsuke Takasugi and her crazy brother.

"If you hadn't come along, who would your husband have married?"

Kagura: His sister.

Sougo: If you say my sister, I swear to God, you're dead.

"…So," The presenter resumed as the dust and debris from Sougo and Kagura's last clash cleared. "Let's go back to the score table. We have Couple 1 at 5 points, Couple 2 at 3 points and Couple three…well, couple three make up for with enthusiasm what they lack in points."

The audience laughed awkwardly, glancing at the bloodstains.

"This is all your fault, Sadist!" Kagura spat.

"As if, China," Sougo was pissed now. "Especially on the first one. 'Aquamarine'? What the hell's 'aquamarine'? They're blue!"

"They're a mixture of sea-green and blue, idiot! And the 'being so handsome' thing was the work of a genius, right?"

"You said I wanted to marry my sister!"

"You said I dated my brother! And Takasugi!"

"Why the hell would I want to call my son after Hijikata?"

"Nice traffic sign prediction, prick."

"And finally, we have our quick-fire round where we give our least fortunate couple a chance to catch up. This next question is worth 5 points!"

"So everything up 'til now meant nothing?" Yamazaki muttered.

"Okay, couple number three, I want you to yell out your answer loud and clear!"

Sougo and Kagura exchanged looks and tensed.

"What," The presenter said. "Is your wife's favourite nickname for you?"

There was a half a second pause.

Then:

"_**SADIST**_!" Sougo and Kagura yelled in perfect unison.

There was a moment of stunned silence, then the audience erupted into applause.

The Shinsengumi back at HQ started cheering and Otae almost leapt to her feet in joy.

"Well!" The presenter clapped. "In a stunning comeback, this young couple are neck-and-neck with our leaders! And 'sadist' is quite the nickname." He winked at the camera. "May I ask where he got it?"

Kagura opened her mouth.

"Huh," Sougo smirked. "Prying into me and my wife's sex life? That's pretty perverted, Ossan."

"You're the perverted one!" Kagura spat.

"Er, anyway! This final round was specially created to be performed before a TV audience! Audience here, you have been given a designed remote control. People at home, you have the green, yellow and red buttons on your remote. What we do is we hook our contestants up to a lie detector and they answer our questions. If you love their reply, press the red button. If you're unmoved, press the yellow. If you hate it, press the green button. All set? Okay!"

"Where did all that even _come_ from?!" Yamazaki cried.

_Shit!_ Kagura eyed the lie detector as she was hooked to it. _I can't beat this thing!_

Even Sougo's expression seemed to say: We're screwed.

"You go for it, leader!"

Kagura wearily turned to see Katsura in the audience. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I am helping out!" Katsura waved the remote proudly.

"Okay. And I'll help out when you commit _seppuku_."

"First question for Couple 1," The presenter said. "Does your wife prefer sex with you drunk or sober?"

"Uh, sober?"

The red neon light blazed.

"Incorrect!" The presenter cried. "That is a lie and you know it!"

On the scoreboard above the stage, the couple gained a black love-heart as people voted down.

"Ugh, they're asking embarrassing stuff!" Kagura wriggled in the bonds of the lie detector. "I wanna get out!"

"If they ask us about married life, we'll lose," Sougo muttered. "China, I should probably grope you."

"If you touch me, I'll go all _Higurashi no naku no koro ni_ on you and rip your nails off."

"No one's going to get that reference."

"For our young couple," The presenter said. "The young lady is first with: Every woman likes a man in uniform. But what uniform do you like your husband best in?"

Kagura swallowed.

Sougo was eyeing the key on the prize stage, wondering if they couldn't just steal it.

"Uh…" Kagura murmured, looking down at her knees. _If I want to get unlocked…_ "I…like him in his Shinsengumi uniform, actually."

The lie detector light flashed a serene blue.

"It's the truth!"

On their scoreboard, two radiant pink love-hearts appeared beside their names.

"And the audience love it!" The presenter cried.

Back at Shinsengumi HQ, Otae was pressing the red button over and over.

Kagura didn't dare cast a direct glance at Sougo, but when she did steal a look at him she was mortified to see at his eyes were boring into her.

_Ugh, that was so embarrassing! I'm never gonna live this one down!_

"Your answer was truthful, so the questions stay on you," The presenter turned to Sougo. "Young man, complete this sentence. 'My wife has more … than anyone else I know'."

Kagura cringed.

It was just the perfect question for him to get back at her with.

More what? More ugliness? More stupidity?

"Strength." Sougo said in his blunt voice.

Kagura turned to stare at him in shock as the blue 'truth' light flashed.

Sougo was looking straight ahead.

Three more love-hearts appeared on their scoreboard.

"Oh, just two more points and the young couple could win it!" The presenter enthused. "But will they make it? Let's see! Next question: Kagura, would you trust your husband with your life?"

Everyone looked at her.

Kagura was not the kind to blush, but she felt herself growing hot under the stares.

"N-no way!" She declared.

The red 'lie' light flashed.

_Damn it!_ Kagura was stunned. _I didn't even know I was lying!_

"Aw, she got it wrong!" The presenter laughed delightedly. "But just look at the scoreboard!"

About five more love-hearts had cropped up.

"Should we give them a chance to redeem themselves, guys?"

"YES!" The audience screamed.

"YES!" Otae cried.

"YES!" Katsura punched the air.

_HELL NO!_ Kagura inwardly screamed.

"Sougo!" The presenter turned to him. "If a bullet was coming at your wife, would you throw yourself in front of her?"

"Huh? Forget it." Sougo said.

The red 'lie' light flashed.

"_Awww_!" The audience cooed.

Kagura stared at Sougo, who still refused to meet her gaze.

_Is this happening?!_

Yamazaki's mouth hung open as love-hearts sprung up on the scoreboard.

"Young love!" The presenter sighed. "I know they got it wrong, but it would be against the spirit of things now to give them one last little round to see if they can be honest, wouldn't it?"

"YES!" The audience cheered.

"Kagura, do you sometimes dream about Sougo?"

"NO!"

The red light flashed.

"Sougo, would you ever truly do anything to hurt Kagura?"

"Of course." Sougo replied.

The red light flashed.

The audience was practically in tears, as were the Shinsengumi and Otae.

Their scoreboard was choked with love-hearts.

When Kagura looked over at Sougo, his sandy bangs hid his eyes.

"Enough of this!" She suddenly spat. "_Enough_! Enough, okay? We're not even married!"

The blue 'truth' light flashed and the audience gasped.

Katsura's mouth dropped open. "No way!"

"You already _knew_ that!" Yamazaki snapped at him.

"Yeah," Sougo added. "We just did this to get the key."

The blue light flashed.

"He irritates the hell out of me!"

"She makes me wanna claw Hijikata's eyes out."

Blue light, blue light.

"_Why me_?!" Hijikata snapped, gripping the TV.

"This is stupid!" Kagura was gaining confidence.

"She's just a bother." Sougo looked up.

Then they both said in unison: "_We're not in love with each other, okay_?!"

And two pairs of red lights flashed.

There was an odd moment where Kagura and Sougo both looked up at the lights, then at each other, then back at the lights.

There was a pause.

Then the screams became deafening.

The audience that had been tuning in all around Edo were practically giving the couple a standing ovation, Otae was hugging a very ecstatic Kondo, the Shinsengumi were dancing, Hijikata needed therapy, Yamazaki was catatonic and Katsura was sobbing.

"Give it up, folks!" Even the presenter seemed emotional. "For the most loved-up couple in Edo!"

"OKIKAGU!" Otae screamed.

And the happy couple responded the only way they knew how.

Sougo reached for his bazooka, Kagura lofted her umbrella high and the next few seconds was a dizzying chaos of smoke, flames and blood.

After breaking the cameras, shattering the set and knocking Katsura unconscious because they could, the two ran away into the street.

xxx

They didn't stop running until they got to an abandoned park.

Kagura tried to rest against the slides, then realized she was still chained to Sougo.

"Did you get the key?" Kagura demanded, not able to look at him.

"I thought you were handling the key." Sougo muttered.

"You knew damn well what I was handling seeing as I can't move three steps away from you."

There was a pause, then Sougo said: "Does it matter?"

"Huh?"

Kagura looked up to see that he was looking over at her with that same deadpan, Sougo-expression.

"What?" She stared at him.

"We might as well stay like this."

"What the hell are you talking about, Sadist?"

Sougo's hand shot forward and gripped her wrist. She could have pulled away if she put in all her strength, but she let him tug her for some reason.

"Oh, I get it," Sougo said. "So we're just gonna ignore what just happened and go back to how it was?"

"Got a better idea?" Kagura demanded.

Sougo's gaze was unfaltering. "Sure." He said. "Go out with me, idiot."

Kagura's mouth fell open.

"You're in love with me, aren't ya? So just give in to all those stalkerish fantasies you have about me."

"I don't _have_-!"

"I know you dream about me." Sougo reminded her.

Kagura glared up at him and twisted her arm away.

He wasn't expecting it when her hand swiftly grabbed his collar and yanked him close.

"You know you'd die for me." Kagura said quietly.

Sougo was silent.

She tightened the grip on his collar.

"You're gonna choke me, China."

"You'd let me."

"If you don't let go, I'm gonna grope you."

"Just try it."

"Fine," Sougo caught her waist in an iron grip. "You asked."

The last thing Kagura was expecting was Sougo darting forward and kissing her deeply, not letting her say another word.

xxx

Meanwhile, in the mountains, Gintoki came into the cabin from training. "I'm beat." He sighed. "What's on the TV?"

"Don't know." Shinpachi poured two strawberry milks for them. "Why don't we take a quick break?"

"Good idea." Gintoki slumped down and they both took a mouthful of milk as Shinpachi switched the TV on.

"_We're not in love with each other, okay?!_"

And two lots of strawberry milk were spat over the screen.

x-x-x

**Author's Note:** **How am I doin'? If you think it's moving too quick, I assure you: there's bloodshed left to come!**

**Review and let me know what you think! Also, if you have any requests for funny scenarios to occur in upcoming chapters, please include suggestions in your reviews, or you can PM me. I have a pitiful imagination.**

**Until next time! **_**Ja ne!**_


	5. Chapter 5

Kagura had never been kissed properly before.

It felt soft and strange and it made her lower stomach do a little flippy thing that was both uncomfortable and confusing.

Sougo tasted like the candy that he was forever inhaling.

Kagura gripped the front of his uniform.

There was a sudden movement from the bushes near them and Sougo's gaze snapped to the left.

"There!" He smirked, unsheathed his sword and slashed the bush in two.

Kagura fell back a few steps and her sharp, Yato eyes caught the movement of a shadow fleeing quickly from the scene.

"Huh, can't believe you fell for that," Sougo muttered under his breath, beginning to pursue him. "I knew a stunt like that would bring you out-"

Sougo halted in mid-pursuit as gravity suddenly got twice as heavy.

He looked down and wondered why he was pinned to the ground.

It took him a moment to realize that this was due to a small, pale hand on his shoulder.

"Oi, what're you doing, China? I'm about to-"

Kagura smacked the Shinsengumi's finest swordsman to the ground with one fell swoop.

"Hold on there, boy," She was glowing with hellish rage. "Are you tellin' me that you stole a young girl's precious first kiss on false pretenses?"

Sougo picked himself up from the dirt. "I was helping you, you ungrateful little-"

There was a slamming sound as Kagura kicked him into the dirt again.

"You're going to pay for my innocence with your blood." She growled.

"Oi," Sougo called to the stunned passers-by. "I'm being assaulted by a cosplayer. Someone call the police."

Kagura stamped on his head, plunging him deeper into the ground.

"Forget your damn job, bastard?" She hissed.

By this point, Yamazaki had caught up with them and stared at the scene with a tired expression.

"Why do they never stop?" He moaned.

"Young love is full of the many tribulations of time." Katsura magically appeared beside him.

Yamazaki gave him a sideways glace. "Aren't you one of the wanted criminals I should be arresting?"

There was a pause.

"_Katsura away_!"

"_HEY_!"

Before Yamazaki could move, Sougo slammed head-first into him.

The two Shinsengumi officers tumbled onto the pavement.

Sougo sat up and dusted himself down.

"Are…" A worried onlooker took a step forward. "Are you okay?"

"It's fine," Sougo told him. "It's just her time of ovulation-"

The entire road broke as Sougo had an umbrella implanted in his face.

xxx

Thanks to the chaos, the shadow had escaped the scene.

The shadow sat on the side of a nearby building, swinging his legs and laughing to himself.

His phone buzzed and he picked it up.

"Yo!" He said cheerfully.

"What do you think you're doing? Get back over here. We have things to discuss."

"Not yet."

"Why not?"

"I'm on Earth."

"I thought you hated Earth."

"I do," The stalker's mouth curved into a smile. "But it can be fun sometimes."

"Finish up your 'fun' fast then."

"Oh, don't worry, my little game's drawing to a close."

The voice on the other end chuckled. "Many casualties?"

"I'm planning just one."

"Oh?"

"You have no big plans for Sougo Okita-kun, do you?"

"That famous sword prodigy?"

"A smug little brat, it seems."

"I don't care about him."

"Good," The stalker said. "You know, they say the people who claim to be sadists can be real masochists in disguise."

"I never understand your babble."

The stalker laughed. "See ya later!"

"I hope so."

The stalker snapped the phone shut and laughed again to himself.

He pulled out a small, crumpled picture of a red-headed girl with big blue eyes and her purple umbrella.

"Stupid child." He said sweetly. "Let big brother make matches for you."

For one moment, he rested on the building's edge and, in the next moment, he was gone.

xxx

"Anego!" Kagura wailed during dinner at Shinsengumi HQ. "That snake-like cretin stole my virginity! No one will want me for a bride!"

"There was always a chance of that happening anyway." Sougo said and swiftly dodged the ensuing flurry of kicks.

"Sougo," Kondo said sternly. "We here at the Shinsengumi value a woman's virginity!"

"It's not like they went to a love hotel." Hijikata muttered.

"I was trying to capture her stalker," Sougo said piously. "I didn't enjoy it anyhow."

"Liar!" Kagura leapt on him and started pulling his hair. "Quit lying! Kissing me was the best experience of your young, boring life!"

"You tasted like sukonbu!" Sougo tried to shove her off to no avail.

"You tasted like unresolved childhood issues!"

"I tried to feel you up and it was like rubbing a cutting board."

"YOU PERVERT!"

"You sure you're even a girl? Do you even know where to look?"

"Well," Otae said smilingly. "I think it's adorable."

Everyone looked up at her with chagrin, except Kondo of course, who looked adoring.

"You always see the best in the situation, Otae-san!"

"This just means that Okita-kun will have to take responsibility."

Kagura and Sougo looked at her blankly, in the midst of their battle.

"Responsibility?"

Otae kept on smiling. "You'll have to marry."

"NO!" Kagura cried, pulling away. "We could never! I'm a Yato princess from a high-born world and he's a lowly dog of the state!"

"Oi." Sougo muttered.

"My father will sell me to the space traders!" Kagura sobbed.

"Hey," Hijikata said. "Stop making up your own life."

"Okita-kun, you should propose properly." Otae told him.

Sougo shoveled more food into his mouth. "Tell her to grow some breasts. Then we'll talk."

"I can't believe I lost my first kiss to this animal!" Kagura cried. "What'll Gin-chan say?!"

Sougo looked over at her. "We might as well get it over with and have sex."

"Huh," Kagura sneered at him. "But you and your filthy hand are so good at it."

Impressed, Sougo smirked at her and she returned his gaze.

Their eyes held.

Something twisted inside Kagura and she looked away immediately.

Meeting eyes with Sougo made her feel so odd.

Sougo looked away too and got up. "Thanks for the meal." He said abruptly and walked out.

Otae giggled. "Okita-kun looks so troubled. He's growing into a man."

"Huh?" Kagura looked at her.

"He gets so restless whenever he looks at you, Kagura."

"Yeah," Kagura rose to her feet. "That stupid boy is probably thinking of more ways to annoy me."

Otae just smiled.

"I think I'll go beat him up some more." Kagura said, running after him.

Hijikata frowned at the scene. "I'll never understand those two."

"No one understands two lovers," Otae told him. "Except themselves."

xxx

"Hey, Sadist Face!" Kagura yelled running after him.

"What'd you want, China? Kick me again and I'll lock you u-" Sougo broke off in mid-sentence as he turned to face her.

Kagura watched in shock as his reddish eyes narrowed into slits and he unsheathed his sword with a hiss.

He ran at her and she realized in just enough time not to retaliate that he wasn't aiming for her.

He was going for something behind her.

Kagura whipped round to see some guy get pounded to the ground.

Sougo slashed him for good measure and reached out to grab Kagura's arm.

He shoved her behind him, shielding her from two more thugs who had come from nowhere.

"It's useless, Shinsengumi boy," One smirked. "There's a whole lot of us. Your front guards are down. We've come for you and the girl."

"Eh?" Sougo said calmly, although Kagura felt his grip tighten on her arm. "What'd you want with this one? She's nothing but a harmless freak."

Kagura kicked his shin.

"Ow." Sougo muttered.

"_We_ don't want her. Our boss wants her." The thug said. "We've been hired for this."

"Really? Well," Sougo raised his sword. "As much as I hate wasting my energy on mindless hired help, I guess I can make this fun."

Kagura stiffened as something cold pressed up against her throat.

She turned to see that someone had actually ripped through the paper sliding door to get to her.

Sougo turned, but before he could act, Kagura was hauled away.

She was frozen for a moment, conscious of the knife at her throat.

"Drop the sword, Okita." The main thug said.

Kagura would have laughed if she could.

If they thought that Sougo would give up his pride for _her_…

Sougo glanced at Kagura and looked away.

"Don't let yourself get caught so easily, idiot," He muttered. "Aren't you a Yato or something?"

"If you don't drop it-"

"Yeah, yeah," Sougo let his sword fall to the floor and he lifted his arms. "There'd be hell to pay if I let her get hurt."

Kagura stared at him. "Sadist…" She murmured.

"Can't you think of a better word to murmur?" Sougo remarked as he and Kagura were quickly cuffed. "My name, for example?"

Just before they were both hauled away, which was just before everyone else came rushing towards the commotion, Kagura tried to think of a time when she'd said Sougo's name.

In fact, had he ever said hers?

Two thugs each dragged the teenagers out of the building and into the waiting getaway van parked outside.

The door was slammed shut and there was darkness.

"It's…my stalker, isn't it?" Kagura said at last.

"Probably." Sougo sounded calm as ever. "These cuffs must be made out of something from another planet. I can't even budge them."

"Sougo," Kagura said suddenly, just trying out his name.

Sougo stared at her in shock through the darkness.

"Thanks for…surrendering to save me."

Sougo was silent and, after a while, Kagura felt embarrassed that she'd spoken.

She went to insult him and stopped as she felt him rest gently against her shoulder.

"It'll be alright, Kagura," He said quietly. "No one's allowed to upset you except me."

Kagura felt a hot flush rising in her cheeks. "That's not sweet at all, _baka_."

"You prefer things sour like sukonbu," Sougo said simply. "That's why I do it."

Kagura was silent for the rest of the drive.

_What a confusing thing to say, moron._

xxx

**Author's Note: Aaaaand it's updated!**

**Does anyone know who the stalker is? It's meant to be pretty obvious ^^" My readers are too smart, I can't fool them for long.**

**There was a lot of development in this one and a hint that Sougo might just act how he does to make Kagura like him? Oh Sougo…**

**I already know how this will end, but I actually just thought up a sequel I might want to do taking place after a real Gintama time skip (I love Timeskip OkiKagu). Plus, by then they'll be adults and more upfront about certain desires- it might end up being a lemon. Oh God 0.0**

**See you next time xxx**


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